Xian: mutual response and “receiving others with emptiness”

In plain language: Xian means mutual response. The yielding is above and the firm below; the two energies respond to each other and draw together. (The lower trigram) is stillness and (the upper) joy; the man places himself below the woman; therefore there is success, it is fitting to be steadfast, and taking a wife is auspicious. Heaven and earth respond to each other and all things are formed; the sage moves the hearts of people and the world is at peace. Observe how things respond to one another, and the nature of heaven, earth and all things can be seen. The Image says: a lake on the mountain is the image of Xian; the noble person therefore receives others with emptiness.

Xian takes as its image the mutual attraction of a young man and a young woman, and speaks of the start of a relationship: mutual response. This can be set beside the “co-regulation” of Chapter 4: response is not one side influencing the other but “the two energies responding to each other and drawing together”. “The man places himself below the woman”, the suitor lowering himself, was in its time a courtesy of humility. Most suggestive for this book is the Image’s “receive others with emptiness”: taking in the other with a mind that has made room. Chapter 6 said that whether a repair attempt succeeds often depends on whether it is accepted, and “emptiness” is the precondition of accepting: a mind full of one’s own grievances and of what one wants to say cannot see the step the other is holding out.

Jiaren: a boundary that must be stated

In plain language: in the hexagram of the family, the woman keeps her proper place within and the man his proper place without; when man and woman keep their proper places, that is the great principle of heaven and earth. The family has strict rulers: they are the father and mother. When the father is a father, the son a son, the elder brother an elder brother, the younger brother a younger brother, the husband a husband and the wife a wife, the way of the family is right; when the family is set right, the world is settled.

This passage shows clearly that the classical “way of the family” rested on a division of men outside and women inside and an order of rank. Its “rightness” is that of each keeping their place, not one negotiated between two equals. Modern couple research starts from exactly the opposite premise: two people equal in rights, with a division of labour that can be discussed and changed. Chapter 2 noted that who pursues and who withdraws relates to who wants to change the status quo; in a framework that treats the division of roles as “the great principle of heaven and earth”, the partner who wants to change it is easily seen as disrupting order. This chapter therefore takes from the classics only what concerns response, pledges and self-examination, and does not accept their rules of hierarchy and gender.

“Beating the Drum”: two readings of a vow

These lines are often used today as a lovers’ vow, but their reading has a history. “Beating the Drum” is about a soldier sent on campaign who cannot return home for a long time. The Han commentator Zheng Xuan read “in death or life, near or far, I made my pledge with you” as an oath between soldiers of the same unit to stand by each other whatever happened; in the Song dynasty Zhu Xi, in his Collected Commentaries on the Book of Songs, read it as the soldier thinking of his wife at home and recalling the pledge they made at their marriage “never to forsake each other in death or life, near or far” (程俊英、蒋见元 著 1991; 朱熹 撰，赵长征 点校 2011). Today’s romantic use is close to Zhu Xi’s reading. Either way, the poem’s last two lines are a lament: we are too far apart to be together; the vow is too long ago to be kept.

In plain language: in death or life, near or far, I made my pledge with you long ago. I hold your hand, to grow old with you. Alas, we are too far apart, and I cannot be with you; alas, the pledge is long past, and I cannot keep it.

Placed in this book, the poem points not to the romance of a vow but to the tension between a pledge and availability: a vow does not ensure that the other is really there when needed. Attachment theory cares about the latter: not what was said, but whether one is available in time of need.

The Great Learning: when the self is cultivated, the family is ordered

In plain language: those in antiquity who wished to make bright virtue shine throughout the world first governed their states well; wishing to govern their states, they first ordered their families; wishing to order their families, they first cultivated themselves. … Once the self is cultivated the family is ordered; once the family is ordered the state is governed; once the state is governed the world is at peace.

The Great Learning’s order, from cultivating the self to ordering the family, corresponds to a plain observation in modern language: a person’s ability to regulate their own emotions and reactions is the foundation of a couple’s interaction. Chapter 2’s model says that lowering one’s own sensitivity in the loop has the same effect as asking the other to lower theirs; and the former is something one can do oneself. As Chapter 2 said, however, regulating one’s own reactions does not mean dropping a legitimate demand: self-cultivation is for making a demand that can be voiced and heard, not for ceasing to make it. And “ordering the family” in antiquity meant putting a clan-style extended household in order around its head, which is not the same thing as a modern relationship between two people.

Mencius: when an action fails, look within

In plain language: if I love others but they are not close to me, I should examine my own benevolence; if I govern others but they are not well governed, I should examine my own wisdom; if I treat others with courtesy but they do not respond, I should examine my own respect. Whenever an action does not achieve what was hoped, one should turn back and seek the cause in oneself; when one’s own conduct is upright, the whole world will turn to one.

“Looking within” has something in common with what might be called withdrawing a projection: when the other does not respond as I wished, first ask whether I have projected my old expectations (the prior of Chapter 1) onto them, and what my own part of the loop is.

But the saying needs a boundary. In a relationship with violence, control or persistent belittling, “look within” can be used to make the victim responsible for the abuser’s behaviour. That is far from Mencius’s meaning, and this book firmly rejects it. Looking within is a person examining their own part in an equal relationship, not taking all of the other’s responsibility upon themselves.

Limits of the comparison

Reading these classical texts beside modern research has three limits. First, the classical texts address the family and clan under a ritual order, while modern research addresses two equal individuals; the value premises differ. Second, the classical texts are normative (how things ought to be), modern research descriptive and empirical (how things are and why); “mutual response” and “receiving with emptiness” can inspire, but they are not evidence. Third, the plain-language readings in this chapter are the author’s; the commentarial tradition often holds different understandings, as the two readings of “Beating the Drum” show.

Chapter summary

Xian speaks of mutual response, and its Image, “receive others with emptiness”, can be set beside a repair attempt being “accepted”; Jiaren shows plainly that classical family ethics rested on a gendered division of roles and an order of rank, which this book does not take up; “in death or life, near or far” was a soldiers’ pledge for the Han commentators and a marital pledge for Zhu Xi, and today’s romantic use is the later reading; the Great Learning’s self-cultivation and Mencius’s “look within” can be set beside “first loosen your own part of the loop”, but in an unequal or violent relationship “look within” must never be used to make the victim responsible. The next chapter offers a checklist and a trial protocol.